..degupan jantungku yg pertama...

hari ini, aku terima sebuah stetoskop ku yg pertama....
happy nye memang x terhingga...
dgn harapan mudahlah nanti untuk clinical skills sessions...

habis kelas...
tunggu van untuk balik ke rumah...
setelah itu, terus aku capai stetoskop ku....
untuk mendengar pula degupan jantungku sendiri...
jika sebentar tadi aku hanya mendengar degupan nafas stimulated patient...

aku berdiri di hadapan cermin...
sambil mula menyarungkan stetoskopku...
ku tekapkan stetoskopku ke belah dada kiri ku...
dan...
ku dengari...
degupan jantungku yg pertama...
indah iramanya...
memang sangat indah...
lalu...
tanpa kusedari...
disaat itu juga ade air panas yg mengalir di muka dan leherku...

ya Allah..
indahNya penciptaanku..
aku telah lahir normal tanpa sebarang komplikasi..
terima kasih ya Allah..
kerana masih lagi...
hingga saat ini Kau membenarkan aku bernafas...
ya Rabbi...
syukran sgt2...

aku tertanya-tanya..
mengapa jantung aku masih lagi berdegup...
sedangkan banyaknye timbunan dosa yg menggunung tinggi yg telah ku lakukan padaMu...
banyaknya maksiatku yg ku lakukan padaMu...
x menjaga mata..
x menjaga hubungan dengan lelaki....
selalu lupa padaMu yg sentiasa mengingatiku..
pernah tinggal solat..
selalu buat perkara yg x menambahkan rasa cintaku padaMu....

namun..
hingga kini..
Kau x putus2 membiarkan jantungku berdegup...
kau x putus2 membiarkan mataku melihat dunia..
kau x putus2 membiarkan telingaku mendengar..
kau x putus2 membiarkan tgn ku memegang benda..
kau x putus2 membiarkan otak aku dapat berfikir..
kau x putus2 membiarkan aku terus mendapat nikmat yg terlampau byk dari Mu..

ya Allah..
malunye..
malu sangat-sangat...

kalau bole..
bole je Kau tetibe stopkan jantung aku kan...
bole je kalo Kau geram sgt padaku Kau cabut je nyawaku...
x pown..
Kau tetibe hilangkan salah satu anggota badanku..
x pown Kau lenyapkan je aku dari atas dunia ni..
hapuskan semua jejak yg aku pernah hidup..
bole je Kau buat semua tu..
sebab aku tahu..
Kau yg MAHA BERKUASA...

syukran...
kerana masih lagi mengizinkan aku hidup di bumiMu...
terima kasih kerana masih lagi membenarkan aku mengisi peluang ini...
untuk cube lagi sekali...
hidup dalam nafas dan jiwa seorang hamba padaMu...

setiap denyutan jantung adalah setiap peluang yg baru untukku..
terus mencube bernafas dalam jiwa seorang hamba...
dan sekali lagi...
izinkan aku bernafas dalam jiwa hamba kepadaMu....
izinkan aku menjadi hambaMu...
dan tolong... ya Allah..
tolong benarkan aku dapat berjumpa denganMu..
kerna ku rindu..
ku rindu yg amat sangat,,,
i love U, ALLAH!!!!!!

...ingin mencintaiMU...

assalamualaikum.....
Tuhan betapa aku malu
Atas semua yang Kau beri

Padahal diriku terlalu sering membuatMU kecewa
Entah mungkin kerna ku terlena

Sementara Engkau beri aku kesempatan berulang kali
Agar aku kembali
Dalam fitrahku sebagai manusia

Untuk menghambakanMU
Betapa tak ada apa-apanya aku dihadapanMU


Aku ingin mencintaiMU setulusnya,

Sebenar-benar aku cinta
Dalam do`a

Dalam ucapan

Dalam setiap langkahku
Aku ingin mendekatiMU selamanya
Sehina apapun diriku
Kuberharap untuk bertemu denganMU ya Rabbi

dengarlah rayuan ini ya tuhanku..
ku tahu diri ini kerdil dan penuh lumut2 dosa...

.::Dimana Dia dihatiku::.

assalamualaikum.......
da lame x tulis....
da bersarang labah2 dah blok nh...
alhamdulillah... mesti sumer da slamat sampai ke uni masing2...
ape khabar???
selepas beberapa bulan cuti??
otak maseh chat???
hati???
hehehe...
xpe2.... jwb dalam hati je ek...

ari ni ada belajar pasal mitosis dan meiosis..
mesti da taw kan???
tapi tadi bile prof Bradley terangkan balek metaphase...
tetibe teperasan...
kan chromosomes ditarik oleh kinetochore or spindle fibres kat metaphase plate tetibe teringat....

"kite sentiasa terdedah kepada 2 tarikan iaitu tarikan iman or syaitan/nafsu."
-muntalaq-

sedarkah anda situasi kite memang macam chromosome 2h....
untuk analogi nh memang x pe kalo cell 2 arise and becoming error cells like trisomy 21 dimana sume chromosomes pegi kat one pole....
dan one pole itu adalah satu2nye pole yg sepatutnye kite pegi....
iaitttuuuuu..........................

of course la pole iman..
gile ke ape nak amek pole syaitan...
tapi memang sgt terasa cuti nh...
hipokrit pown ade...
rasenye aku da masuk dalam golongan munafik kowt...
macam dalam surah albaqarah..

"Dan apabila mereka berjumpa dengan org yg beriman, mereka berkata, kami telah beriman. tetapi apabila mereka kembali kepada setan2 mereka, mereka berkata, sesungguhnya kami bersama kamu, kami hanya olok2 apabila bersama org beriman."
-2:14-

gile kan???
mase cuti memang x dinafikan im getting astrayed when im back home..
n now suddenly im starting back my old routine that b4 this i did when i was in MCB...
hhhmmmmmmmmmmmm............

but of course i will change it!!!!!!
how come i will let go of this opportunity to meet Him!!!!!
Allah!!!!!!!
wait 4 me!!!!!!!
im coming 2 ur embracement!!!!
please wait 4 me...
i know i have done wrong...
x dek lak tetibe aku buta or kaki aku patah or tetibe Allah da x bagi aku hirup oksigen yg memang free nh...

im so stupid!!!!!!
seriously....
it will not happen again...

teringat lak ade kak sofi share tazkirah daripada ustaz athif...

"berapa ramai manusia yg ade dalam dunia nh, tapi hanye beberapa je yg Allah pilih sebagai muslim...
berapa ramai muslim yg ade dalam dunia nh, tapi hanye beberapa je yg Allah pilih sebagai mukmin... berapa ramai mukmin yg ade dalam dunia nh, tapi hanya beberapa je yg Allah pilih sebagai daie.. dan berapa ramai daie yg ade dalam dunia nh, tapi hanya beberapa je yg Dia pilih untuk lepas masuk ke syurgaNya.."

kalo x sekarang, bile lagi??
kite dapat hitung kite da menyambut hari lahir ke berapa pada tahun nh..
tapi kite x dapat menghitung berapa lama lagi mase yg kite akan hidup....
itulah realitinye...

ibaratnye adalah kite adalah penumpang kapal yg tercicir ke laut..
pas2 tetibe ade org hulurkan pelampung...
sepatutnye kite sambut pelampung 2..
tapi alih2 kite berenang away from pelampung 2..
dan anehnya kite makin bergembira meronta-ronta kelemasan dalam air laut yg dalam 2...
berpaling kpd kebenaran or erti kata lain adalah..
balek kembali kepada kekasih kite yg sentiasa x pernah LUPA memutuskan nafas n memberi kite makan n membiarkan kidney berfungsi, jantung berdegup, hormonal change terregulate, mase makan x terchoke dgn adenye peristalsis movement, mata dapat melihat, telinga dapat mendengar, mulut maseh bole berkata-kata, jari bole menaip while surfing the web yg tah pape...

DIA X PERNAH LUPE!!!!!!!!!
percaye x???
kite je yg lupe kat Dye..
sebenarnye sape yg hamba sape nh???
betul ke yg KITE adelah hamba Dye???
mcm terbalik kowt..
sape lak yg tak pernah berhenti berkhidmat pd kite??
subhanallah...
istighfar byk2...
azza pown..
istighfar byk2...

try x ray hati...
cari Allah..
adekah Dye ade di segenap simple squamous epithelium cell kite??
adekah setiap cell kite telah berfungsi dibawah hakikat hamba kepada Nya??
adekah secondary oocytes yg bakal aku persenyawakan nanti sudah terendam dgn kalimat DYe?????
i dont think so......

sebenarnye aku memang x bersyukur..
entah dimana Dia di hatiku...
aku mahu Dia sentiasa di hatiku...
Ya Allah... izinkan aku menatahkan Engkau di hatiku..
aku tahu aku memang hamba yg hina..
aku tahu aku memang selalu futur n bwat maksiat padMu...
my Love...
pleaseee!!!!!!!

Kau bersihkan lah diriku..
Kau cucikan lah hatiku yg kotor ini...
biar perit..
aku akan terus berlari mendapatkanMu...

.::i wanna be by Ur side forever::.

Berubahkah aku hanya bila ada sesuatu
Terus aku pulang pada sikap sebelum kuberubah
Hanya sekedar sesuatu tak berapa lamapun itu
Jarang kuterendap dalam sikap dimana kuberubah

Tuhan.....
aku hanya manusia
Mudah berubah lagi dalam sekejap
Tuhan......
aku ingin berubah
Dan kubertahan dalam perubahanku......... (BERUBAH by edcoustic)

Wahai... Pemilik nyawaku
Betapa lemah diriku ini
Berat ujian dariMu
Kupasrahkan semua padaMu

Tuhan... Baru ku sadar
Indah nikmat sehat itu
Tak pandai aku bersyukur
Kini kuharapkan cintaMu

Kata-kata cinta terucap indah
Mengalun berzikir di kidung doaku
Sakit yang kurasa biar jadi penawar dosaku
Butir-butir cinta air mataku
Teringat semua yang Kau beri untukku
Ampuni khilaf dan salah selama ini
Ya ilahi....
Muhasabah cintaku...

Tuhan... Kuatkan aku
Lindungiku dari putus asa
Jika ku harus mati
Pertemukan aku denganMu.............(MUHASABAH CINTA by edcoustic)

Tuhan betapa aku malu atas semua yang kau beri
Padahal diriku terlalu sering membuatMu kecewa
Entah mungkin karena ku terlena
sementara Engkau beri Aku
kesempatan berulangkali agar aku kembali

Dalam fitrahku sebagai manusia untuk menghambakanMu
Betapa tak ada apa-apanya aku dihadapanMu

Aku ingin mencintaiMu setulusnya
Sebenar-benar aku cinta
Dalam doa dalam ucapan dalam setiap langkahku
Aku ingin mendekatiMu selamanya sehina apapun diriku
Kuberharap untuk bertemu denganMu yaa Rabbi...........
(AKU INGIN MENCINTAIMU by edcoustic)

.::ENOUGH::.

assalamualaikum..
memang da lame x tulis kat cni...
byk state diri yg dilalui sepanjang mase sengkang bile x menulis kat blog nh..
and alhamdulillah...
i manage to get not an excel but a good result for IB...
and it is not due to my effort pown...
memang saje je Allah nak bagi..
so that i can still be with Him..
maybe if i get a lower result i will be astray..
hhmmm..
this moment when i tell you bout my result, its remind me of my prevoius achievement in academics...
i pass for PTS during standard 3..
i get 5As in UPSR...
i get 9As in PMR....
i get 10As and 1B in SPM...
and now i get 36 pts in IB....

so many things that He gave me...
subhanallah...
He keep tracking me whenever and wherever i am...
macam sentiasa nak tarik gak aku ni walaupun ade je mase2 yg aku memang x engat pown kat Dye...
baek sgt la Allah nh...
act, sape yg nak bwat baek ni...
aku da la hamba dye...
x layak pown nak meminta-minta...
hamba mane leh demand btol x???
kena ikut je perintah...
the problem is....
nak settle n sematkan term hamba dalam diri pown mission x accomplish...
tapi Dye asyik bagi nikmat byk sgt...
makan pown maseh bole makan...
kesihatan pown ok...
udara pown dapat hirup..
and everything is free....
x datang pown bil oxygen ke, nyawa ke, jantung ke, lung ke, buah pinggang ke...
free belaka....
kalo fikir2 balek pown banyak je benda yg Dye bagi kalo kite x senasib...

soooo....................
ape yg nak dibuat seterusnye?????????????

"belum tibakah waktunya bagi org2 yg beriman untuk SECARA KHUSYUK mengingat Allah dan MEMATUHI KEBENARAN yg telah diwahyukan" ALHADID,ayat 16, 57:16

cukup2 la dgn benda2 yg karut marut yg x menambahkan iman pown...
kite x dapat lari...
sebab in the end...
kite akan balek kpd Dye gak...
kite akan balek jumpe Dye...
it is a fact n adalah suatu KEPASTIAN!!!!
ayuh!!!!!!!!
recharge ur iman!!!!!
together to overcome all of His trials and meet Him in JANNAH!!!
doakan saye sentiasa tsabat di jalan nh!!!!

who's my god????

assalamualaikum...
i know.. it has been a long time...
nice to meet u....
hope that all of us will alwaz receive His blessing...
realise all of His love that He give every single moment event now....
realise that we wake up this morning as His slave...
realise that our IC still written as muslim...
realise that we are consuming His oxygen...
realise that we can do all sort of things only by His permission...
Astaghfirullah....
lets take a moment to istighfar...
astaghfirullah..... astaghfirullah......astaghfirullah...

now i realise that im still alive...
by His permission....
to repent and go back to Him...
yes....
Life is a battle to find our journey back home.....
Home?????
yes.....
home......
to His bare arm.....
back to Him......
the word is BACK......
meaning.....
back.................
so what?????????

if we are not following His rules....
means we are not in our natural behaviour or what did we called as fitrah....
yes..........

well......
IB diploma exam is just 8 days left....
how sad....
i can still count my exam..
but i cannot count how many days do my days will be there for me...
funny, right???
we r keep ourself busy ALMOST 24 hours to focus on study....
but our prayer is only 25 minutes for each solah...
zohor, asar, maghrib, isyak n subuh.....
(that's only if we perform our each solah 5 minutes)
dont get me wrong...
im not saying that lets leave our study behind and JUST SOLAT!!!
DONT GET ME WRONG, OKAY!!!!
study is one way of ibadah....
to bring islam back....
to bring islam's dignity back....
....................
.......................
how to let our study as an ibadah?????
hmmmm........
cube tanye org...
study sebab ape....
duit???
cita2???
family???
nak status???
cinta???
if semua benda ni da tercapai, then kita da bole mati la ek??
for instance, if kite study tok dapat kesenangan, then bile da rase senang later in the future, kite da bole mati la ek???
sebab cita2 n harapan da tercapai....
gitu???
hhhmmmmmm.......
maybe later kite akan kupas dgn lebih mendalam cane nak study untuk Allah...
u said everyday in doa qunut that INNASOLATI WANUSUKI WAMAHYAYA WAMAMATI LILLAHIRABBILALAMIN..... sesungguhnya solatku, amalanku,hidupku, matiku hanya untuk Allah... tapi camno lak nak buwek????
hhmmmmm....
later kite discuss ek...
tapi jgn lupe pikir2 kan.....

just at the moment i just want us to focus about something....
bout who's my god???
of course Allah...
ko ni tanye tah pape tah...
aku solat kowt....
maybe this is one of the answer that u may give to me...
but really????????
Allah is ur God???

cuba kalo diberi situasi...
mock IB ri tu la contoh...
or kalo ade test or exam sem...
tetibe....
kite tetido awal lak malam 2h....
then when we wake up that morning...
its still 4 in the morning....
the Q is...
wat is ur step after that???
a)eat??
b)grab the book???
c)proceed with ur dream???
d)qiam???
hhmmmm...........
u said qiam???
think back...
mostly even me....
will just grab my book.....
and right at that moment my god is 'the book'....
get me????
aku sembah buku waktu 2...
bukannye Allah...
susah nak ingat Dye waktu2 camtu...
x yakin ke ape ek???
tapi bukan nak suruh tinggal buku ek...
jgn salah paham lak...
kang t org kate azza suruh x yah bace buku..
sebab Allah suruh solat 24 jam...
pang sat gi baru taw!!!!
okla...
till pen meets paper...

huh???
ade gune pen ke???
paper??
huhhu!~
assalamualaikummm...
kalo ade kemusykilan bole la tinggalkan soklan ek....

STOP!!!!

still...
having d same probs...
how to only having U in my heart....

hhmmmm.....
IB exam is around d corner...
i have to speed my move for my sisters......
too many things that i still want to say...
too many knowledge about Him that i did not share yet.....

hhmmmmm..................
and yet....

im still have to struggle....
with all of my effort.....
to ELIMINATE this JAHILIYYAH......
pliz.. Allah...
im begging U....
guide me.....
dont let me astray....

i dont wanna be in the mud...
like what Syed Qutb said...
i dont wanna be in dirty faeces...
uweekkk............
PLIZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

'only by remembering U i will be in peace'
(13:28)

im still drowning in these JAHILIYAH!!!!!!
arrgghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

JAHILIYAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank U, my love!!!!

bismillahirrahmanirrahim....
assalamualaikumwarahmatullahiwabarakatuh..............
alhamdulillah....
the IB result had came out, right???
and for me it is not a good one compared to others...
hehe....
but still...
alhamdulillah....
we are still having the chance to enjoy the magnificence of this wonderful world of His....
in fact, bcoz of His love and rahmah towards us, we can still even breath...
we can see things....
we can hold something....
we can walk....
we can read...
we can hear...
we use His oxygen....
we consume His food from His plant....
we can do so much thing that we want....
but the question is.....
do we receive any kind of bill from Him every month...
or everyday???
how much does it cost????
rm200???
rm20000???
or rm200000000????
answer this question on your own....

and next....
we go to the second question....
do we use all of His nikmat....
we can see things....
we can hold something....
we can walk....
we can read...
we can hear...
we use His oxygen....
we consume His food from His plant....
according to His law and rules????
do we do things in order to obtain His redha????

hhmmmmmmm...........

just wanna share something.......
before this....
i really dont really care about study...
you know what???
i even whine bcoz He ask me to amar makruf nahi munkar...
but at the same time He ask me to be excellent in academics....
i was like...
ya Allah...
how could You do this to me???
there are plenty of time that i can do to entertain my target of Your amar makruf nahi munkar....
why must You want me to keep busy with this so-called-important-stage-of-life-is-to-study????
i know that it is just a medium for us to attract people to amar makruf nahi munkar once we are already have the dr. title....
but still...
hmmmm............

but now i know and understand perfectly....
Allah...
forgive me....
i know that islam is great...
i must show it to the world by be one myself....
i must be excellent in academics...
dont be a fitnah to my din....
islam is great...
(islam hebat!!!)

on top of that.....
O myself....
please...
remember who you are...
you are just His servant...
not a coolie....
wanna know the differences????

COOLIE

1) must be paid
2) has his own worktime
3) can argue about his payment

SERVANT

1) no money paid
2) worktime is every single sec of his life
3) cant argue about his payment bcoz he dont has salary

cool, huh???
we are more in a lower status than coolie...
hahaha...
is it funny???
have u watch or heard about servant during the jahiliyah era???
era at mecca before Muhammad came???
many women had been made as servants...
and what that they can do???
their owner can do anything upon them...
they can hit them...
they can sell them to another owner..
they can rape them...
or even make money by do a prostitution bussines...

and how do all the servants survive???
can they say something??
can they do the same to their owner??
can they be angry to their owner???
the answer is no.....

reflection:
now back to our story..
what about us?????

im going to give a statement...
we are HIS SERVANT....
conclusion- what we should do???
can we argue things with Him???
can we be sad of His nikmat??
can we be dissapointed upon Him???
can we be jealous upon Him???
can we be lazy upon Him??
the answer is................
...........................
...........................
fill in the blank..........
answer this question deep inside your heart....

we are JUST His servant....
a servant need to be alwaz agree and do whatever our owner ask us to do...
and He can make up any regulations that He want becoz we are only borrowing all of His assets....
borrowing what????
our brain...
our hands...
our eyes....
our legs....
out mouth....
our niat...
even our soul...
..........
...........
...........
eh....
then...
what is mine???


the answer is....
..............
...............
...............

NOTHING!!!!!!!
nothing......
isy isy isy...
kesian........
org miskin rupenye....
eh...
bukan org miskin...
memang x termasuk dlm apa2 golongan...
bcoz even the poor people can walk, talk, ask for money....
aiyak...

then...
are we not ashame with HIM????
hmmmmm........................


reminder:::::::
the death is chasing for u.. and it is certain for the time to come....
watch out!!!!!!

next action????
i'll do anything for U...
just for U...
bcoz i am YOUR servant...
.........................
..........................
...........................
..........full stop...........